Xu Shu Answers letters
by Noman'sland260
Summary: Inspired from all DW letter fics out there. You know the drill
1. Life Isn't Easy

Sima Yi,

Why do you hate me so much. So what if I didn't have any historical importance. I'm still badass. It's not like I'm an all time bitchy, pedo, arrogant asshole like you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

STOP BEING SO MEAN. I thought we were friends

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhou Yu,

WHY DID YOU SEND ME THIS (a very well detailed yaoi hentai)

Xu Shu

* * *

Yue Ying,

I thought you were married

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Is this why you hate me so much. I'M NOT INTO HER LEAVE ME ALONE

Xu Shu

* * *

(The paper is covered in purple liquid)

Cao Pi,

You sent me grapes too huh?

Xu Shu

* * *

Cao Cao, Yue Jin,

Don't get me involved

Xu Shu

* * *

Cai Wenji,

You have to choose right now!

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Dai,

So what are you painting?

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Dai,

I JUST NEED SOMETHING NORMAL TO TALK ABOUT

Xu Shu

* * *

Xun Yu,

Is there any way you can make my life a little easier. PLEASE

Xu Shu

* * *

Xun Yu,

No? You suck

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhang Fei,

What type of wine do you drink?

Xu Shu


	2. Defection and Impregnation

Ma Chao,

Actually I'm pretty happy here thanks for the offer.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Yinping,

That's cute but I'm no pedophile like Sima Yi

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Chao,

I change my mind I'd be happy to join Wei. For some reason Guan Yinping likes old dudes.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sun Ce,

I'm actually going to Wei but maybe I'll visit

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Dai,

Oh s***

Xu Shu

* * *

Sun Ce,

DISMISS THAT LAST LETTER. I'M NOT VISITING YOU CONQUERER OF LITTLE BOYS

Xu Shu

* * *

Crazy fangirl,

(Dear God they're everywhere) Uhhh thanks

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Chao,

Before I get to Xu Chang I just want to say congratulations with your union with Wang Yi. I never knew you guys would be together

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

Are you crazy! Why would I marry the girl who wants to KILL ME.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

But Guo Jia told that me that you two got married yesterday and she's pregnant (wait a minute)

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

You impregnanted Wang Yi didn't you?

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

Of course you did

Xu Shu

* * *

Wang Yi,

Hey your a mother congratulations

Xu Shu


	3. Well that escalated quickly

Crazy fangirl,

Okay control your raging ovaries I can't even sing

Xu Shu

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

As much as I love Shu. It's hard to be around a girl who wants to marry a guy older than her.

Xu Shu

* * *

Wang Yi,

As much as I'd love to tell you where he is I have no idea. Anyway I'm heading for Xu Chang

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Xu Shu packs his things and takes a cart and horse from the Cheng Du stables and leaves a letter of resignation for Liu Bei**

Lord Liu Bei,

I'm leaving Shu. It's not you, it's not Zhuge Liang, it's not me, it's Guan Yinping. You get the picture

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Xu Shu arrives at Xu Chang and finds that the Wei army is preparing for battle. He finds Ma Chao who is talking to some troops.**

 **"Hey Ma Chao what's going on?"**

 **"You didn't get my letter?"**

 **"No I was in quite a hurry to get here."**

 **"Sun Ce and his army of gay men are attacking."**

 **"Oh come on. All of Wu can't be gay."**

 **"Are you sure? Did you get any graphical yaoi's by any chance?"**

 **"Zhou Yu sent me one."**

 **"There you go."**

 **"But why are they attacking us?"**

 **"Sun Ce wants you."**

 **"F*** my life."**

 **A few hours later the Wei Army is on the walls of Xu Chang with Xu Shu, Ma Chao, Ma Dai, Pang De, Xiahou Yuan, and Xiahou Dun. "Where is Guo Jia." Xiahou Dun asked. "Getting his ass kicked by Wang Yi." Ma Chao said**

 **"Isn't she pregnant?" Xu Shu asked. "Yes." Ma Dai replied**

 **"Okay Then."**

 **Then the Wu army appears. Leading them are Sun Ce and Zhou Yu and then you see Han Sui riding towards the Wei Army on his horse. "Ma Chao, Ma Dai, Pang De. You are all traitors to Xiliang! I will kill you in the name of Xiliang!"**

 **Then Xiahou Yuan took his bow and shot Han Sui knocking him dead off his horse. "Boom. Headshot."**

 **Then the Wu army charges and the battle begins.**

 **~Later~**

 **The Wei army emerges victorious and you see all the surviving Wei soldiers and officers dancing to the saxaphone segment of Sunstroke Project's Run Away. The Wei officers just stand there looking at them in confusion. "Okay well this has been an interesting day. I'll be in my new quarters if you need me." Xu Shu said and left the Wei officers standing there. Speechless.**

* * *

Jiang Wei,

You need a vacation. And b**** please I was friend of Zhuge Liang and He respects me more then you. You're just like Ma Su, another reject who knows nothing about strategy. I'm the most badass strategist in all the land

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhang Bao,

I heard you say you liked Yinping a week ago. Ask her out. Or make her your f*** freind.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhu Ran,

Unless I pop a Molly and I'm sweating then I'll have a donut but other than that no I don't want one. Besides I'm not letting Sun Ce take away my innocence.

Xu Shu

* * *

Li Dian,

I think you should be happy you're friend got some action at least. Cao Cao is too old for her (why does she even consider him) I'll see if I could do something about it

Xu Shu

* * *

 **As Xu Shu is in the progress of writing a letter, Guo Jia who has his clothes ripped up and is covered in cuts and bruises and hides under Xu Shu's bed.**

 **Then Wang Yi comes storming in. "Where is he!?" She hollered**

 **Xu Shu casually points to his bed and then Wang Yi grabs Guo Jia. He resists but it does no good and then he is being dragged on the ground screaming for help.**

 **"At least she doesn't have that baby bump" Xu Shu said going back to his letter**


	4. I Have No Idea What I Just Did

Aya,

(Oh no, it's Kenshin's nun sister) Uhh well I don't remember singing a Japanese song. If I did 'play' with you, even if it was not the thing I think it is. Kenshin will kill me.

Xu Shu

* * *

Jia Xu,

Who do the f*** do you think I am. I didn't study meteorology. And you know what, you're damn right I got self-confidence.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

(He's alive! Damn. I might need Guo Jia later) Sorry I don't know so you're going to have to take care of the baby that's not yours. Good luck.

Xu Shu

* * *

Deng Ai,

And this concerns me how?

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

Jin is part of Wei.

Deng Ai

Deng Ai

I'll just send Zhao Ang he has some steam to blow off.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Guess what I have a job for you. Go see Deng Ai he needs help and take a few soldiers with you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Deng Ai,

Reinforcements are on the way.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

See? That was a good stress reliever right?

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

No? Here eat this.

*Inside the envelope is a Snickers Bar*

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

You're probably just hungry?

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Exactly.

Xu Shu

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Okay come to my quarters.

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Cai Wenji walked to Xu Shu's room and she sees him sitting on his desk chair "Have a seat."**

 **Xu Shu pointed to the seat across from him and Cai Wenji and she took a seat.**

 **"Okay I'm going to ask you a simple question. Why do you want to be with Cao Cao?"**

 **"It's not that I want to be with him. It's just that I owe so much to him and the only way I can repay him."**

 **"Okay tell me why you want to be with Yue Jin."**

 **"Oh my god. He is sooo hot, has a great personality, an awesome fighter, and really good in bed."**

 **"That last part I didn't need to hear. Anyways I'm sure it's enough that you fight for Wei and play music for everybody. I bet you can live with Yue Jin happily."**

 **"If only it were that easy."**

 **"What do you mean."**

 **"Lord Cao Cao and I got engaged two days ago." then Cai Wenji showed Xu Shu the giant diamond ring on her finger.**

 **Xu Shu blinked for a few times to comprehend what he was seeing and after a few seconds of silence, Xu Shu spoke and rubbed his face simultaneously "Oh my god. Okay ummm, thanks for coming over and I just need to figure something out."**

 **Then Cai Wenji left the room and Xu Shu sat in his chair thinking** _What am I doing here with my life?_

* * *

Li Dian,

Okay here's what I got, Cao Cao and Cai Wenji are engaged and your friend and Cai Wenji are still banging so yeah. Help me out. Please.

Xu Shu


	5. Is This A Crossover By Chance?

(Okay so it turns out that Cai Wenji is older than Yue Jin by that many years. Had no idea .Well I guess I'm staying neutral)

Guan Yu,

You guys are evil.

Xu Shu

* * *

Li Dian, Yue Jin

Come to my room. You guys need to hear this.

Xu Shu

 **The two arrive at Xu Shu's room. "What did you want to talk to us about."**

 **Xu Shu goes through a bunch of papers on his desk. "Yue Jin how old do you think Cai Wenji is?"**

 **"23?"**

 **"I would say the same thing but you're wrong. Take a look."**

 **Xu Shu shows Cai Wenji's birth certificate. Then Li Dian starts vomiting out the window and Yue Jin stands their frozen and when he's ready to speak, he rubs his eyes and takes a closer look "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH AN OLD WOMAN!"**

 **Xu Shu casually nods his head. Then Yue Jin faints and hits the ground hard.**

 **When Li Dian is finished, he picks up his unconscious friend and carries him away**

* * *

Guan Yinping,

(This is going to be the worst mistake of my life) Fine come over

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Xing,

You know what I'm already marrying your sister. So yeah

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Wow your wife is a whore. Well the least I could say is that it could be your brother, Zhong Hui, or Lu Lingqi

Xu Shu

* * *

Xun Yu,

Oh my god SERIOUSLY! You're the best person ever. Sorry I ever doubted you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sir Galahad,

I don't even know who you are but I'm not drinking this vile you gave me.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

Maybe it's Zhao Ang.

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

NO IT'S NOT LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

Guo Jia

* * *

 **Xu Shu walked to the window of his room and saw a bunch of lycans attacking Wei soldiers. Then a knight rushes in and throws him a long box "Here, put these on and use the contents inside." Then he leaves.**

 **Xu Shu opens the box and what's inside is an M2 Falchion Auto-Rifle, C-78 Autoloading Pistol, and Knight garments.**

 **Xu Shu changes and he looks like a knight from Order 1886 (Just take some time to picture that in your head)**

 **He runs out of his room and sees a lycan right next to him. He fires a few rounds wounding him but doesn't slow him down. When the lycan pounces at him, Xu Shu takes out his knife, dodges him and stabs him. The lycan falls on the ground dying**

 **"Cool."**

 **Later, with the help of the knights, the Wei army killed the lycans and Xu Shu talks to one of the knights "Hey, thanks for helping us."**

 **"Yeah definitely, we've been tracking these guys for months and we found him here."**

 **"Wow. Where are you guys from?"**

 **"England."**

 **"That's really far away."**

 **"Oh yeah."**

 **"Can I ask you something?"**

 **"Yeah sure."**

 **"Can I keep this equipment?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Dammit."**


	6. Randomness

Xing Cai,

I didn't do anything. Guan Yinping said she was coming over to Wei and she wanted to marry me and she said she had the permission of her brothers and father (wait a minute)

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Xing,

By any chance did you give your sister approval of marrying me?

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

Hell No! What makes you think I'm letting her marry a p**** like you.

Guan Xing

Guan Xing,

For your information I have more balls than you even before you were born and more of a God of War than your daddy is.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Yinping,

Your brother found out and he's coming to get you (crazy bitch)

Xu Shu

* * *

Fangirl,

Oh my god. I don't even know you so don't get all excited because my answer is no.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

So is this your child or some random kid one of your sex friends gave birth to?

Xu Shu

P.S: If it is your actual child then I'll take care of him

* * *

Ma Chao,

Do I have to? Fine (This is where my useless education in child birth pays off)

Xu Shu.

* * *

 **Xu Shu makes his way to the castle clinic and when he gets there he hears Wang Yi screaming with agony. He walks in the room and sees Wang Yi laying down on a table crushing Zhao Ang's hand and with them are Ma Chao, Ma Dai, and Pang De. "Alright guys step back I studied child birth in school."**

 **"Alright Wang Yi just push you're doing great, Ma Chao get her some water." Xu Shu said. Ma Chao rushed out to get a bowl of water.**

 **"Alright on 3, ready? 1...2...3 push!"**

 **Wang Yi pushed out with all her strength but the baby was still inside "I can see the head just one more push. Ma Chao where's that water!"**

 **"Okay one more you can do this. 1...2...3 push!"**

 **Then the baby came out and Ma Chao just waked into the room, whimpered and fainted. Xu Shu cut the umbilical cord and gave the baby to Zhao Ang. "Well my work here is done."**

 **Xu Shu walked over Ma Chao's unconscious body and back to his room. (Someone name this thing)**

* * *

Lu Lingqi,

Wrong address. You're busted now bitch.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Zhao,

It was Lu Lingqi. Here.

Xu Shu

 **The letter comes with a package with a M86/FL Thermite Rifle from Order 1886 that Xu Shu stole from one of the knights**

* * *

Ma Chao,

(regained consciousness rather quickly) Well Kirin died and I bought it for you from the mystics

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Just make sure it's not next week (Li Dian and I think Yue Jin and I have a wedding to crash)

Xu Shu

* * *

Liu Bei,

Well he loves fire. Set something on fire and extinguish it

Xu Shu

* * *

Ling Tong,

Well at least you've proven to the world that you're not gay for Gan Ning.

Xu Shu


	7. See I keep my promises

Xun Yu,

Maybe she's just sick. I mean come on she's married and just gave birth. I'll go talk to her.

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Xu Shu walks over to Wang Yi's room. As he gets close the door it opens and then Wang Yi grabs him by the collar and throws him down on her bed. "I've always wanted to do this." Wang Yi said with demand and climbed on top of him**

 **Xu Shu was lying there frozen in horror "What about you're husband?" Xu Shu asked hopefully trying to give her second thoughts."**

 **"Screw him, he's boring." Wang Yi said. Then Wang Yi engaged Xu Shu in a hard lip lock**

I promised I wouldn't make this lemon so this is all I got for ya'll

 **After about 50 minutes the two were both lying in Wang Yi's bed, nude. Wang Yi was sound asleep on her side. But Xu Shu lied on his back with wide eyes staring at the ceiling. He calmly got out of bed trying not to wake up the woman who raped him.**

 **He put on his clothes and walked out of Wang Yi's room casually.**

 **He went back to his room**

Xun Yu,

I'm sorry I doubted you for the second time.

Xu Shu

 **Then he crawled into his own bed in fetal position and stayed there for like two hours until he was feeling better**

Ma Chao,

Oh uh...Oh well (That thing was mental anyway)

Xu Shu

* * *

Lu Lingqi,

That is Sima Zhao's husband. (Why is he angry though. He could score a three way)

Xu Shu

* * *

Liu Bei,

Happy to help I guess

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhang He,

My day was just about to go well and you just scared me for the second time today.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Yue,

Oh yeah it's you. Sorry (Who's this guy again?)

Xu Shu

* * *

Li Dian, Yue Jin,

Alright I'm ready let me meet up with you

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Xu Shu walks to meet up with Yue Jin and Li Dian at the entrance to the wedding. "So how to do we get in?" Li Dian asked**

 **"I got this." Xu Shu said. He walked to the host and he asked him "Are you part of the groom's family or the bride's?" The host asked**

 **"The groom."**

 **"What's you're relation?"**

 **"We're his long lost cousins. I'm Ling, those two are my brother's Shen and Qin."**

 **"Alright Ling the ceremony is about to begin."**

 **Xu Shu signaled to Yue Jin and Li Dian to come over. As the two added to the ceremony and they passed by the reception. There they saw a buffet table with chicken, duck, gease, partridge flavored with honey, salt, and soy sauce, bamboo shots, peaches, apricots, taro, yellow wine, and everyone's favorite, meat buns.**

 **The three of them had their mouths watering. But they had to get through the ceremony first. The three of them were at the back as they saw the ceremony taking place. As the minister was talking. Cai Wenji who was in her wedding gown she turned her head and looked to her left and saw Yue Jin all the way in the back. She ran down the aisle to go see him. Everyone was looking at her and Cao Cao stood confused at the altar. The three of them were panicking and didn't if they should run or just pretend to be the people they weren't. "I knew you'd come for me!" Cai Wenji said. As she was charging at Yue Jin about to kiss him he stepped out of the way and she ran into the wall.**

 **"Not today grandma!" He screamed and his voice echoed throughout the entire building. Security arrived with weapons and saw the three in the back "Come on let's get out of here!" Xu Shu exclaimed and the three guys ran as fast as they could away from the ceremony while being chased by security. They ran fast enough to get away and back to the officers quarters. The three entered Xu Shu's room and he locked the door.**

 **They were catching their breath before they were able to speak "Thanks for ruining our chance of getting first-class food." Li Dian said to Yue Jin "Hey I'm sorry but I didn't want to kiss an old lady again. I just couldn't."**

 **"Just relax. We'll stay here until it's safe for you guys to get out." Xu Shu said.**

 **"But there's only one bed." Li Dian said.**

 **"Not really, come here."**

 **Xu Shu walked to a door and opened it and in there were two beds and a bathroom. The two of them were shocked "I thought this was a closet!" Yue Jin said shockingly.**

 **"Well it was until I chose to expand into the vacant room next door and I thought it would be nice to have a guest room just in case."**

 **Suddenly they all heard a knock on the door. Xu Shu opened it and saw a three year old version of Guo Jia standing and staring at him.**

 **"It's gonna be a long week." Xu Shu said**


	8. I'm Back Baby

Sima Zhao,

How did you even know what I was thinking?

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

I have my ways,

Sima Zhao

* * *

Sima Shi,

(People in this country do not know other people's addresses) You know I wish I could let you have Lu Lingqi but I just don't know her address

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Chao,

Oh cool thanks for reminding me. Plus, IT WASN'T MY FAULT SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOT ON TOP OF ME AND TOOK MY INNOCENCE.

Xu Shu

* * *

Ling Tong,

(A lot of fan girls will be on my ass if I don't help him) Yeah, you can come but I don't know if you can stick with red so you might need to change you're outfit.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhang He,

You sent me these! *Attatched are pictures of Zhang He in his pink lacy night gown in very sultry positions*

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Yinping,

Oh my god please. Just leave me alone, I could not emphasize this more. I don't like you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Lu Meng,

(Why is everyone in this country gay?) You my friend have issues. It makes sense that Wu has the trophy of touching little boys in the halls of Jianye and it's there on a golden display isn't it?

Xu Shu

* * *

Nu Wa,

It wasn't my fault though. I don't even know what they look like!

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

Just look for some kids wandering around Xu Chang.

Nu Wa

* * *

 **"I'm going to look for kids loose in the castle. Can I leave you guys alone with Guo Yi?"**

 **"Yeah it'll be fine just go out there and do whatever thing you're doing." Li Dian said.**

 **"Okay. Bye." Xu Shu left his room leaving Yue Jin and Li Dian with Guo Yi.**

 **"Are you hungry?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Do you want something to play with?"**

 **"No."**

 **"H-"**

 **"No."**

 **"..."**

 **"No."**

 **Xu Shu was carefully looking around Xu Chang to look for some loose kids. He looked to his left and saw Xu Shao in the garden. He turned to see his alternate-universe father. "Daddy!" Xu Shao ran to him to hug him. Xu Shu played along "Hey son. Daddy's busy so I need you to be in my room when I come back okay?"**

 **"Okay."**

 **Xu Shu took his alternate universe son and opened the door to his room and he saw Yue Jin softly banging his head on the wall and Li Dian was trying to talk to Guo Yi.**

 **"Are you tired?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Hey guys this is Xu Shao look after him okay?" Xu Shu said. Before the two could respond, Xu Shu was already gone. Next he was looking for Xu Fa. He saw her in the study hall with a scroll. "Hey Fa, what're you reading there?"**

 **"A military strategy scroll. I want to be just like you daddy. An awesome strategist."**

 **"That's great sweetie."**

 **"Yeah, except I won't be a low self-esteem cry baby like what mama says."**

 **Xu Shu got ticked off. "Alright that's it little lady you have a time out."**

 **Xu Shu forcefully grabbed Xu Fa by the arm. She was kicking and screaming and Xu Shu had control of her no problem. He threw her in his room and closed the door in her face.**

 **"Low self-esteem cry baby, my ass."**

 **Next, he was looking for Xu Ji. He walked outside and found her at a high quality tailor shop looking for a nice dress. She wasn't as young as the last three kids who were eight and nine. Xu Ji looked about seventeen, taking a deep breath because he doesn't know how to deal with teenagers. "Come on little lady, we have to go."**

 **"Oh my god peasant, levae me alone. Ughh don't touch me." She said wiping her hands all over her arms.**

 **"I am your father." he said with a stern voice** (I'm not referencing Star Wars)

 **"Oh, sorry dad. I didn't recognize you because you never had much product air. What did you do to it?"**

 **"I made it look better now come on we have to go."**

 **"But my dress."**

 **"You'll get it later, this is important."**

 **Next he was looking for Xu Ba who he found playing an erhu (the one Diaochan had in DW6) on the street and people were crowding around him. They through coins at him as they enjoyed his performance. The crowd scattered and Xu Shu approached Xu Ba who looked the same age as Xu Ji "Hey son, what're you doing out here?"**

 **"I just wanted to shares piece of culture with these people so we can make this land a better place."**

 **"Great my son's a hippy." Xu Shu thought to himself. "Come with me I know a place where culture is needed." He said to Xu Ba**

 **"Excellent."**

 **As Xu Shu and Xu Ba entered Xu Chang castle and into Xu Shu's room. Xu Shu opened the door and saw Li Dian struggling to get control over the kids. Yue Jin just gave up and was asleep on Xu Shu's bed. Xu Shu hoped his son's erhu skills would work. "Work your magic." Xu Shu said to Xu Ba and closed the door on him.**

 **Finally, his daughter with Guan Yinping. "Why in God's name would I marry a little girl." He said to himself. "I think I need a drink." He said so he could drink away the thought of him marrying Yinping. He walked to a local tavern on the streets and had a cup of wine the size Wang Yi would drink.**

 **He looked to his left and saw his daughter talking to a dude who looked a little bit younger than Xu Shu but was definitely older than his daughter. He approached the guy as if he was Liam Neeson. Without saying anything he grabbed the guy by the back of his head and slammed down on the bar counter. Xu Shu stood him up and punched him in the face. The pedo staggered a little bit but took a fighting stance and threw a punch but Xu Shu stopped his punch by blocking it with his hand. He twisted the pedo's arm and kicked his stomach a few times. He let go of his arm and reached for his neck and got him in a reader naked choke. After Xu Shu held him for a certain amount of time. The pedo passed out and Xu Shu let him drop. "Come on." Xu Shu said to his daughter grabbing her hand and walked back to the castle. "Don't make the same mistake that your mother and I made."**

 **"But mom said it's fine as long as you love each other."**

 **"There are many different types of love. Just make sure it's with someone around your age."**

 **They arrived at Xu Shu's room and was happy to see that Xu Ba was able to make everyone go to sleep. "Stay here I'll be back soon."**

 **Now he had to get Xun Yu who had the return the kids back to their original universes.**

 **He barged into Xun Yu's room and saw Xun Yu playing with My Little Pony action figures. "There's this new thing called knocking. Have you heard of it?" Xun Yu said trying to cover his Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie (The reason I know the names of these characters is because of my little cousin. She is so obsessed with that stuff)**

 **"I'm sorry but I need you for something."**

 **"What is it? Some thing requiring magic?"**

 **"Yup. Some of my alternate universe kids are loose and I'm trying to return them to their normal universe."**

 **"Alright I'm coming with you."**

 **"That's it?** **There's no what's-in-it-for-me complex going on."**

 **"Altenrate universe stuff is child's play."**

 **"Okay then."**

 **Xun Yu took a book and walked to Xu Shu's room with Xu Shu. They walked inside and saw the kids still asleep. Li Dian and Yue Jin were awake and relieved to see Xun Yu appear.**

 **Xun Yu opened his book and read an incantation, blue stuff flew out of the book as Xun Yu read on and the blue stuff flew on to Xu Shu's kids as they disappeared.**

 **"Alright those kids are in their own universe. My work here is done." Xun Yu said. Before he could leave, Li Dian and Yue Jin jumped on to him historically and said thank you consistently.**

 **"Help me!" Xun Yu shouted but Xu Shu was too exhausted to care so he went to bed**


	9. Surveys Are Fun

**"What is this?" Xu Shu asked himself. He opened a letter that had no address or sender and what came out was a 100 question survey. It folded out off the desk and to his bed. "Meh, I've got nothing else to do."**

1\. What is your sexuality?

I'm straight

2\. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why are you up in her business?

3\. Why did you leave Shu?

Because Guan Yinping wants to marry me

4\. Are you a virgin?

I've been raped what do you think?

5\. Do you like Wei?

It's okay so far

6\. Who is the hottest girl in China?

I have no idea

7\. What's 9+10

19

8\. Name the three Hydrocarbons

Alkyne, Alkane, and Alkene

9\. What is an isotope?

An element with a different mass number that of the same element

10\. What is an element?

(Why is this so educational?) A substance that can't be broken down into smaller units

11\. What are the components of a cell?

I was never good with Biology

12\. Favorite movies?

Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Grandma's Boy, *written in small lettering* Fifty Shades of Grey.

13\. Favorite Youtubers?

Pewdiepie, Cryaotic, TheRadBrad, Cinema Sins, Screen Junkies How It Should Have Ended, johnscorcher, Jerz, Wonderpierrot, Swordofheaven89, Lu Bu Feng Xian, Gema Show, TheGamakazi, Lionheartx10, PrinceofMacedon, Heir of Carthage, Alex the Rambler, Warrior of Sparta, DiplexHeated, Game Care Network, GamingSins, Dartigan (and so much more).

14\. Favorite TV Shows?

Doctor Who, Big Bang Theory, Whose Line Is It Anyway, Top Gear, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

15\. Can I have your sword?

I don't even know who you are.

16\. What do you think of Wu?

They're disturbing

17\. Do it for the vine.

Huh?

18\. What would you do for Klondike Bar?

A what?

19\. Write Assnuggets

Assnuggets

20\. Write Dicknipples

How old are you?

21\. What is love?

Baby don't hurt me

22\. What languages do you speak?

Japanese and English

23\. What do you think of Disney?

They're unartistic and dream crushing sack of s***s

24\. Favorite Borderlands Character

Axton

25\. Favorite Samurai Warriors character

Takatora Todo

26\. Favorite Tom Clancy character

It would be between Scott Mitchell and Sam Fisher

27\. How was the Order 1886?

It was okay

28\. Is Sima Yi a pedophile and imbecile himself?

Did you really need to ask that?

29\. Red pill or Blue Pill?

Are you trying to drug me?

30\. Hentai or Porn?

Hentai

31\. Smut?

Sure

32\. Suck my ass

Hell No

33\. Bros before hos?

Hell Yes

34\. Cao Cao x Cai Wenji or Yue Jin x Cai Wenji

Neither

35\. What cup size is Lianshi?

Double D maybe

36\. Fill in the blanks

Sun Ce is a disturbing sonofajackwagon

Guan Yinping is a crazy bitch

Wang Yi is a rapist

Xu Shu is a sane human being

37\. Does Xu Shu need to stop being a bitch

F*** you

38\. Yuan Shao or Dong Zhuo?

They both suck

39\. Zhang Jiao?

Never had much time to care about him

40\. Have you ever wanted to try gay sex.

No. Not giving it a second thought

41\. Xu Shu has 6 slices of chocolate cake, he gives 2 to Xu Zhu. How many slices of cake does Xu Shu have?

All slices. No way I'm giving cake to Xu Zhu

42\. How do you throw the Wu army into panic?

Just send a bunch of archers

43\. Who's the boss around here?

Cao Cao

44\. What cup size is seijooru?

Who?

45\. What cup size is Insertmanyfandomhere?

I don't know who you're talking about

46\. How long is Noman'sland260?

Where do you get these names from?

47\. Have you been to Japan?

No but I've been planning to.

48\. Have you been to Rome?

No but it sounds nice

49\. Assassin or Templar?

Neither

50\. Sexual fantasy?

None

51\. Attack on Titan?

Meh

52\. Sword Art Online?

It was awesome

53\. Soul Eater?

Hated it

54\. Ouran Highschool Host Club?

Hella funny

55\. Hetalia?

It was good

56\. Sub or Dub

Both

57\. Boxers or Briefs?

Boxers

58\. Who would you go gay for?

No one really

59\. Would Shu be doomed without Zhuge Liang?

Yes, yes they would

60\. Is Guo Jia single?

Well I met his son so I doubt it. I'm fairly surprised.

61\. (Question applies if Guo Jia isn't single) You jelly?

No I'm jam

62\. Do you pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands one nation under God indivisible with liberty and justice for all?

Nope

63\. God Save The Queen?

Well we have an Emperor sooo.

64\. Maka-Diyos, Maka-Tao, Makakalikasan at Makabansa

*nothing was written*

65\. Whose your daddy?

I don't remember

66\. Do you want to build a snowman?

Sit the f*** down

67\. Want some poutine?

I don't know what that is

68\. Playstation or Xbox?

That's tough. I would say both

69\. What do you think of when you hear sixty nine?

I think of a number. What else would it mean?

70\. If it's not right what is it?

Left

71\. I wanna be a pie

Do I care?

72\. I have no idea how to breathe

Good for you

73\. I like big butts and I cannot lie

Again, do I care?

74\. Everybody do the flop!

The what?

75\. P-O-P Hold it down

What?

76\. I'm in love with the coco

I don't blame you. Chocolate is delicious

77\. Don't give a knife to a chair

A chair isn't going to do anything since it's just an inanimate object. Basically nothing will happen if you give a knife to a chair

78\. About a week ago

What happened last week?

79\. Deez nuts

These are not even questions!

80\. Who do you want to punch write now?

You for making this survey

81\. 19 questions away from the end. How do you feel?

Relieved because I get to move on with my life.

82\. What do others think of you?

Ask them yourself

83\. Is there an afterlife?

I don't bother with that stuff

84\. Do you have kids?

I hope not

85\. Ass or Tits

Never took it into consideration

86\. If someone talked s*** about you behind your back what would you do?

I'd ask him to say it to my face

87\. You mad brah?

Yes I am.

88\. Do you have any friends?

(Are Yue Jin and Li Dian friends? We're just roommates. Meh, I guess they are)Two

89\. If I banged your love interest how would you react?

I don't have a love interest so this question doesn't apply to me.

90\. Do you love llama's?

What's a llama?

91\. Have a cookie

I won't be like all the people in Wei who took cookies *He took it and ate it anyway*

92\. How many people buy Bioware games for sex scenes

Everyone

93\. I like turtles

I like for this survey to end

94\. Yeah but that back flip though

I didn't see a back flip

95\. Do you think I'm a man or woman?

I don't care because I will end up punching you in the face either way

96\. I can be your hero baby

I'll be kissing your ass goodbye

97\. There's a snake in my boot

Enjoy the venom asshole

98\. How would you describe China

The land of gay people and no knowledge of learning anyone's address

99\. How would you describe your experience with this survey?

It was totally pointless, wished for a more professional survey, and really wanted to kill the creator of this survey

100\. Please draw an image describing your experience when taking this survey

*A well detailed middle finger was drawn and below it was a caption saying have a nice day*


	10. It Just Keeps Getting Better

Guan Xing,

I feel that you should keep an eye on your sister because I have no intention of being with her in any way.

Xu Shu

* * *

After reading the letter seeing the parcel with pictures of Guan Yinping naked, Xu Shu immediately threw the parcel out the window and it hit Guo Jia unconscious as he was coming back to pick up his son.

Guan Yinping,

It's not that I like hentai. It was just a phase I went through in college.

Xu Shu

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Sure where do I sign?

Xu Shu

* * *

Seeing the packaged iPod was from Sun Ce he threw it out the window hitting Guo Jia after he got up and he fell unconscious again.

Ma Chao,

Don't worry I already through it out the window. Plus I know better then to accept gifts from Sun Ce

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Dai,

Is Wang Yi pregnant?

Xu Shu

Xu Shu,

Not that I've seen but I'll let you know.

Ma Dai

* * *

Guo Jia,

Those parcels came from my room? Sorry about that.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

You're going to open them. Oh don't do it.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

Oh my god.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

She's like 17 and you like the music, seriously? Plus you're married.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

Exactly.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

Just come and pick up your kid.

Xu Shu

* * *

Nemesis Death,

Oh yeah I remember you. I don't know who can train you but I'll tell Cao Cao.

Xu Shu

* * *

Wildcat,

I don't specialize in that. Ask Sima Yi or Xiahou Dun.

Xu Shu

* * *

Captian Asshole,

I don't know what I'm going to do with guns and I don't know anything about Lu Lingqi's relationship status.

Xu Shu

P.S What's an exo suit?

* * *

Ling Tong,

But Sima Yi is married. (I thought Zhang He was bi)

Xu Shu

P.S Are you still wearing red? I said you couldn't do that and it's Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Yinping,

How did you get in here?

Xu Shu

* * *

Liu Bei,

Or else what?

Xu Shu

* * *

Xun Yu,

Then why ask me the question if you don't have a time machine you *bleepbleepbleep*

Xu Shu

* * *

Xun Yu,

Sorry. I just had to blow off some steam.

Xu Shu

* * *

 **Xu Shu heard a knock on the door, he walked over to open it and saw Guo Jia with two large lumps on his head. Xu Shu was doing his best to contain his laughter. "Is Guo Yi here?" Guo Jia asked. "Yeah let me just get him." Xu Shu replied trying to keep a straight face. He fetched Guo Yi and returned to Guo Jia.**

 **"Thanks I knew I could trust you with babysitting."**

 **"Oh yeah definitely." Xu Shu said slightly snickering.**

 **Guo Jia was confused by his behavior "Ok bye."**

 **When the door closed, Xu Shu laughed really hard. His stomach hurt and he started to cry. "Oh this made my day!"**

 **He heard another knock on the door and he got up and opened it. Guan Yinping barged in and tackled Xu Shu. "I knew I'd find you here." she said. Xu Shu was panicking and couldn't move. She was really strong. She kissed him at at instant and then Wang Yi walked in, "Get your hands off my Xu Shu!" she yelled. She immediately took Guan Yinping off of Xu Shu and he crawled to the door that lead to Yue Jin and Li Dian's room. They both walked in and saw the little scuffle. They both pulled Xu Shu into their room.**

 **Xu Shu sat there wide eyed and in disbelief. "Hey? Are you okay?" Li Dian asked."I kissed a little girl." Xu Shu said. "What do you mean? What happened?" Yue Jin asked. "Guan Yinping came in." Xu Shu replied.**

 **"Wait listen...I think they're done." Li Dian said.**

 **"Yeah but one of those crazy bitches are sill standing." Xu Shu said.**

 **"Okay Xu Shu. We'll do this together." Yue Jin added. Xu Shu stood up**

 **Li Dian started to count "On 3. 1...2...3"**

 **The three barged into Xu Shu's room. It was a big mess and Guan Yinping was lying on the floor with her eyes closed. Yue Jin and Li Dian shielded Xu Shu from Wang Yi. "Is she dead?" Yue Jin asked. "No she's just unconscious." Wang Yi said.**

 **"Alright we got to send her back to Shu." said Li Dian.**

 **"Yeah you two do that. Me and Xu Shu have unfinished business." Wang Yi said putting her hand on the wall behind Xu Shu.**

 **"Hey guys what's all the commotion." It was Zhao Ang and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Wang Yi and Xu Shu. Li Dian punched him in the face knocking him cold.**

 **"What?"**


	11. I Need To Be Off My Ass

Zhao Ang,

So you're okay with your wife being a whore? I unfortunately don't have any heavy packs for you.

Xu Shu

P.S: Have you heard that Guo Jia was married. I honestly was surprised myself since he loves women a bit too much.

* * *

Nemesis Death,

Honestly I would like to see your brother try Tim Curry's Russian accent from Command and Conquer Red Alert 3. I loved it when he was in that game and I did receive the Jameson exosuit. It's in a closet somewhere. It's in no one's reach. (I think) Anyway I kept the guns in case she ever tried coming back.

Xu Shu

* * *

Li Dian,

Thanks for sending Guan Yinping back to Shu. She is a crazy bitch isn't she?

Xu Shu

* * *

Guo Jia,

I hope your wife is aware that you have another family. Zhao Ang is after you, he's trying to give you a concussion or hemorrhage, which ever comes first.

Xu Shu

* * *

Xiahou Xiuying,

So how's the kids? You also don't need to worry about Orochi. He's no one.

Xu Shu

* * *

Takatora,

So there are gay people who don't know anyone's address, in Japan? I'm really sorry.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Yi,

That mailbox probably means a lot to your wife.

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Chao,

So how is that new lighting unicorn thing I got you? (you better love it because it cost me half my salary)

Xu Shu

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

You know I questioned your mutual relationship with Sima Zhao. But since Lu Lingqi became your mistress, you made me have a deeper curiosity about you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Thanks for having me on your talk show. Oh and just so you know I don't know who that strategist was about the girl, maybe it was Zhou Yu or something, I don't know.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Yi,

Deez nuts.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Yi,

What do you mean you don't get it? Forget it go babysit your wife. (That sounded wrong, whatever)

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Yi,

Why should I apologize for making pedophile jokes about you. You are one yourself.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Yi,

Exactly. Now make me sake sautéed octopus.

Xu Shu

* * *

Cai Wenji,

You know what, f*** you. You may seem like a pacifist with a harp. But you're just a female Sima Yi minus the evil laughter and arrogance. Good luck being Cao Cao's wife.

Xu Shu

P.S: I'm not telling you where Yue Jin is.

* * *

Guan Xing,

You know, you've got to stop hating, because I am not interested in your sister, she is super desperate and just so you know I did not raoe or drug her. Write as many death wishes as you want about me. It won't help you.

Xu Shu

* * *

Guan Yu,

You really need to spend time with your kids, believe me I can tell you haven't. Don't lie to me.

Xu Shu

* * *

Liu Bei,

I'm ashamed of you. I thought I would find some sort of purpose in Shu. But you and your biffles are the worst fathers in the country.

Xu Shu

* * *

Zhao Yue,

I must regret to inform you that your mother has been reduced to Guo Jia and a rapist. I'm terribly sorry.

Xu Shu


	12. I'm A Hot Mess

**So I deleted my fic about China being the yaoi nation with Xu Shu and friends trying to stop it. I decided to merge it with my letters fic so you'll be able to send letters to Xu Shu while I continue the yaoi epidemic.**

* * *

Nemesis The Asshole,

If you want someone to do something that involves risking their lives go talk to Jia Xu or that new guy that just got promoted. And please do make Guan Yinping less stalker-ish.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Zhao,

What happened? Is daddy menstruating and calling you a mistake again?

Xu Shu

* * *

Ma Chao,

Pang Tong cut his connection with me when once he found out I left Shu.

Xu Shu

* * *

Sima Shi,

No I do not have a cache of meat buns stored in my room. Leave me alone and get a life.

Xu Shu

* * *

Shu,

So rumors have been saying that you finally grew a pair. Am I hearing this right?

Father

* * *

Father,

Yeah that's right? What the f*bleep* do you want?

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Just thought I'd check on you and see how've you been.

Father

* * *

Father,

Why bother. You haven't been in touch with me since I studied with Zhuge Liang.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Oh yeah that's right. Are you still blowing him?

Father

* * *

Father,

He wishes. Besides I'm in Wei right now and I got a better position here.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Awww, did Mr. Sleeping Dragon outshine you again like before graduation? Remember? When he got the highest average in the school and you were second?

Father

* * *

Father,

(You little turd) No, there's this 17 or 18 year old girl who for some reason wants my genitals. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to be remembered for is for being a pedophile.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Wow really? No girl ever wanted to approach you when you were young. I'm surprised you turned her down.

Father

* * *

Father,

Even if I wanted to I'd still have to deal with her papa-bear older brother.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

The rumors were lies. You still have a mangina.

Father

* * *

Father,

HEY. I could get a girlfriend if I could. I just can't get one right now is all.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Oh so you're gay is that it?

Father

* * *

Father,

Not at all. It's just that there are only three women that I'm allowed to get with. And to top it all off, one is married to my boss's son, one is old, and the other raped me and is also married.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

DAMN KID. Props.

Father

* * *

Father,

Stop calling me kid I'm 34. And you're commending me for being used and discarded?

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Well that's how it worked with me and your mother.

Father

* * *

Father,

What are you talking about?

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Well before your mother and I got married she slept with a bunch of dudes while she was married to someone else. I was one of the dudes she slept with.

Father

* * *

Father,

You're kidding.

Shu

* * *

Shu,

Nope not at all. In fact if you ask some of the guys in Wei right now, they probably heard of her somewhere.

Father

* * *

 **Then Xu Shu sent letters to the male generals in the Wei Army including Cao Pi and Cao Cao that had a picture of Xu Shu's mom and a message saying "Do you know this woman?"**

* * *

Xu Shu,

Oh yeah STD's were like pokemon for her she had to catch em all.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

Xu Shu,

I heard that she would blow two villages in a day.

Xiahou Yuan

* * *

Xu Shu,

I remember when I served Dong Zhuo I saw him and her get busy A LOT.

Zhang Liao

* * *

Xu Shu,

When I served Zhang Xiu people around would call her _Lady Cock_ _Wrangler._

Jia Xu

* * *

Xu Shu,

Sex with her made me want to become a better man.

Guo Jia

* * *

Xu Shu,

I've seen her visit Yuan Shao a lot when I served him.

Zhang He

* * *

Xu Shu,

Men in my village said she was almost like a drug dealer, except after selling her crack she would wash it and reuse it. Wonder what that meant?

Dian Wei

* * *

Xu Shu,

I heard that when she visited Xiliang the officers would say how much she was like the horses. She would give em free rides.

Pang De

* * *

Xu Shu,

She worked our farmers in the corner. Not me though.

Xu Zhu

* * *

Xu Shu,

I think I captured her before. But she ended up blowing the guards and ended up escaping. I saw it. It was beautiful.

Cao Cao

* * *

 **The others responded saying how they haven't heard of her. After reading all the letters Xu Shu was on his bed in fetal position, facing the wall, questioning his existence.**

 **Suddenly, Yue Jin and Li Dian walk in after hearing what had happened. "** **Hey buddy. You okay?" Yue Jin asked.**

 **"I don't know. Is China unified yet?" Xu Shu responded.**

 **"No."**

 **"There's your answer."**

 **Li Dian walked up to him to help him out. "C'mon Xu Shu you can't be like this for the rest of the day. Let's do something together."**

 **Xu Shu turned around to face him and asked, "Like what?"**

 **"We haven't had a drink in a while. I bet it could easily take your mind off stuff, you'll feel better afterwards."**

 **"Sure I guess it'll help."**

 **Xu Shu got out of his bed and the three were making their way to the closest tavern in Xu Chang. As soon as they got there, they were sitting by the counter and ordered some wine. They were having a great time laughing and drinking. But out of all of them, Xu Shu was becoming drunker than the rest. Suddenly Guo Jia walked in and Xu Shu remembered the letter Guo Jia sent to him about his mother, he went stood up to confront but was barely sober enough to stand.**

 **"** **Hey YOU motherfu*hiccup*er!" Xu Shu said slurring his words. "And that's what you are. Hehehe, s-s-see what I did there." he chuckled at to Yue Jin and Li Dian who just awkwardly laughed.**

 **"Oh hey. What happened to you?" Guo Jia asked turning himself in his seat to face him.**

 **"Stand up. Let's go." Xu Shu said raising his fists.**

 **"You wanna fight me? You can barely stand."**

 **"Shut up!"**

 **"Alright whatever you say, I'll make it quick and painless."**

 **Xu Shu delivered his first swing but it fell short as he collapsed to the floor.**

 **What felt like a few minutes passed for Xu Shu and he woke up looking at the clear day sky. He blinked a few times until he saw Takatora Todo standing to the right of him. Xu Shu immediately sat up "Wh- Why are you here and where the hell am I?"**

 **"Japan." Takatora replied.**

 **Xu Shu stood up and to the left he could see nothing but ocean and to the right was a small Eastern Army cavalry squad and Takatora.**

 **"WHAT THE FU-"**


End file.
